Well, today is a sad day because perfect love interest left town this morning to go back to school (that lucky bastard) and therefore will no longer be available to help create awkward situations with coworkers or tremendously epic, drunken performances by me...or, come to think of it, perfect/adorable dates :( ...sorry if you just threw up on your keyboard....but that is upsetting.
Fortunately though, the day is not a total negative because, for the first time (note: this is the beginning of week 5 at my new job), I actually have work to do! I'm not sure where the work came from or why it's shown up now, but I'll take it to help keep my boredom/mourning state from becoming soul-crushing. I'm taking a break from my mountain of responsibilities (read: two things, each of which will take less than two hours) to write for the day because my new found responsibility has left me wondering how to address the list of tasks with which I've been burdened.
You see, I have a couple of things that need to be done today and a couple of things that need to be done some time before September 1. These tasks could very easily all be completed by COB with a little bit of diligence and focus, but I'm just not sure that would be the right course of action. At my old job, I was really on top of things, and I found that it caused massive life misery. Turns out that when everyone knows you can get things done quickly, they come to you at 9 am with a stack of bs and say "I need you to take care of this by 9:02," fully expecting that you'll get that shit handled even though 1) it's most certainly not your job, 2) it's impossible to complete their bs project within their bs time frame, and 3) some other douchey boss came by 45 seconds before and gave you the same type of project on the same type of time frame. This was a tremendous cause of strife for me for my entire tenure with my old organization (lovingly referred to as Asstard), and I'm sure that I never want to be in that position again.
So, my new plan is to make sure everyone thinks I'm proactive and helpful and smart and funny and nice and whatever else people at places of business value by using my charm, but not actually ever produce anything for a while. This way, I will set expectations at a mediocre level, but everyone will be tricked into thinking that they really value my contributions to the organization. Then, one day, I'll start working at a respectable rate, and they'll be doubley impressed!
As you can tell, I've really thought this one through. I'm just not sure how to go about it. I mean, I've got the not really working thing down. I even took a nap in my office last week after a hell of a night out that involved a women's professional soccer game, chinese food sitting on the street in chinatown like a hobo, being asked to leave a bar, and $60 worth of shots to end the evening (which nearly caused me to vom), but I'm not sure where the balance between that and the seeming work ethic should sit.
How does one seem proactive and helpful without actually being proactive and/or helpful? I think this is likely something that many people have mastered (because if your bosses knew that you played bubblespinner enough at the office that you could get your high score up to 24,000 like me, you would have been fired by now for being a waste of oxygen). But everyone does stuff like that, so how do you look like a model employee without actually having to assume the responsibility of one? I think it's all about charm because I'm relatively certain that a solid helping of charm can get a cute 23 year-old girl basically anywhere in life, but I could very well be wrong about that. So...I want help figuring this out. Please submit thoughts to thedeathytimes@gmail.com. They will be tested and the results will be reported (although I predict now that I will receive zero suggestions and therefore have only one set of results to report: the effects of my charm).
In the meantime, cry a tear for the loss of perfect love interest (even though I'm going to visit in three weeks and will most definitely have tons of debauchery to report), and think of ways to spice up my work day. The only suggestion I've gotten so far is to go streaking through the office. I've taken it under advisement and will probably follow through some time before Christmas and therefore be out of a job by the beginning of 2010. Check back to find out. Peace late...I have work to do.
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On occasion I've caught up on my television shows but the true key is to space the work out and do it in chunks. A little work here, a little blog read there, little more work, some texting. With Perfect Love Interest at a greater distance now, possibly chatting (online) with him could be a good escape.
ReplyDeleteIf others are near by, and depending on the nature of the work, something that requires keyboard and/or mouse use is crucial. This gives an audible and visual appearance of productivity.