How to repair your child, if he's a shithead.

Last night, while I was driving back into the city from my weekend vacay in the suburbs, I heard the most disturbing infomercial on the radio. First, let me say that I'm not sure why such a thing would play at 11 pm on a Sunday, when only irresponsible miscreants are still driving around instead of lying comfortably unconscious in their beds, but that's neither here nor there. This five-minute spot, which I could not manage to turn off, as I was completely appalled, was for a new program called "The Total Transformation."

You're probably thinking this is some sort of weight-loss plan or get-rich-quick scheme, but you're wrong....oh so very wrong. The Total Transformation is a behavior modification program for children who can't get their shit together.

So...does your child run out into the street when you've explicitly told him that his play time should be confined to the yard? Go ahead and get yourself the Invisible Fence Total Transformation. Does your child interrupt you when you're reprimanding him? Get yourself an electric shock therapy machine, available on eBay The Total Transformation. Does he not have enough respect for your authority? Send him to a rice paddie in China, where they'll set him straight Get yourself The Total Transformation!

The saddest thing about this is that it's not a joke. And clearly this company's already made enough bucks that they can afford national advertising. Does this or does this not make you feel a little bit queasy? Moms and dads create 8 year-old monsters and then Dr. James Lehman turns them back into well-behaved robots, for the bargain price of everything in your bank account. This dude has got to be kidding me! Some highlights of the program include "How to Stop Any Argument With Your Kid Instantly" and "Ten Words To Say When He Gets Mouthy." I'm nearly tempted enough to sign up for a FREE TRIAL of this thing....but not quite.

Raise your hand if you think this would have kept you from stumbling in at 6 am after the prom, trying to climb in your window so as to not wake anyone up, and getting the police called by a neighbor who thought you were an intruder? Would it have kept you from taking your parents' car to get Five Guys with your friends when you didn't yet have a license? How about actually legitimately keeping a 15 year-old girl from thinking her mom walked out of the womb of the devil? Fat chance.

So, a bit of advice. If, one day, you become substantially more responsible than you are now and even close to capable of raising a child, please try to not raise a monster in the first place and expect a number of disasters along the way...but if you run into trouble, turn to me and my alternative tactics rather than James Lehman, the mustachioed zombie, for help. Good talk.