The Story Of and Reason For My "Doing Nothing" Bellyflop

I'm sure you all noticed with absolute dismay and horror that I failed to write yesterday. First, my sincerest apologies. Second, my explanation. This might take a while...

My teammate (semi-boss/semi-coworker) started on Monday. I didn't talk to her much, but in the few moments I spent with her, I found that she's a relatively average-looking, awkwardly-dressed, makeup-less, unforch monster. To add to the already gleaming mental image I'm sure you've developed, you should know that her FB picture is of her making out with her boyfriend--a discovery which almost instantly caused me to vomit all over my pretty dress. Essentially, I knew within 45 (ok 15) seconds that this was not going to be a brilliant partnership, but I swear I tried my best to like her anyway. In case you don't already realize this: Fail.

This situation is already relatively awkward because she's the senior person on the account that we work on (from now on referred to as Old Dudes' Party Group or ODPG), but the people at ODPG for whom we work would rather have us function as equals than as a boss and a subordinate. Sooooo...I feel like she's my equal and she feels like she's my boss...that's tre awk, right? Yes.

Anyway, no big deal. I mean, I assume someone will set one or both of us straight on that front eventually, so why worry in the meantime? Clearly, the thing to do while I wait for our roles to really be established is to make sure that everyone thinks I'm perfect and she's mediocre at best. Hence my inability to sit and do nothing yesterday and today. This is now a competition of popularity/brains/greatness, and I will win.

Since my competitiveness is now a factor, I did a bunch of things yesterday....everything that needed to be done then and everything that needs to be done ever, as far as I know. I've been a machine. I will win.

So how's my campaign going? Allow me to explain the course of events of the last 26 hours. But basically, I will win.

***

Yesterday, I invited this semi-boss/semi-coworker to lunch because I realize that she has no friends (and may never have any friends unless I help to create social acceptability in place of her awkward mediocrity). You see, I'm a caring soul. Since I knew I would not be able to pass one full hour speaking with her on topics about which I could not possibly care less, I forced my mentor (read: the girl assigned to show me the ways of the place, who's 2 years older than me and really good at her job, but also a frequent maker of the poor life choices and therefore my favorite person in the building) to come along. This could not have gone better, because it gave me fuel for my competitive fire against the semi-boss/semi-coworker, started with the following conversation.

Mentor: So, I can't figure out how old you are. When did you graduate?
SB/SC: From high school or college?

(Zach Morris time out: Who the fuck cares when anybody graduated from high school?!?! Why would that even be a question someone asks? Oh...you'll see.)

Mentor: College
SB/SC: Oh, I actually haven't graduated yet. I should have graduated in 2006 though...I graduated from high school in 2002.
Mentor: (Nearly chokes on diet coke, fortunately feels her "Your Panera Lunch is Ready" buzzer go off, and jumps up and leaves the table).

My buzzer goes off at this time as well, so I also get up and leave SB/SC by herself with her awkwardness and her high school diploma. Everyone is shocked and apalled. Nobody knows what to do. So we talk about nonsense for the rest of the time, while I try to figure out how it's possible that this girl got a job at a place where all but like 5 of us have a graduate degree or list of credentials at the end of our nametags, when she couldn't manage to finish college. This is still unclear to me, but I've made my mind up that she somehow avoided the schooling talk altogether in her interview, and these people hired her not knowing that she probably has less education than the chick who poured my soup into a hunk of bread with a crater cut into the middle yesterday afternoon.

I spent basically the rest of yesterday upset that this girl has an office to herself while I share one and also determined to a) make sure the bosses are aware that I'm better and b) find out how the heck she pulled this one off, since I know it wasn't with the always successful cup of charm mention last time. I was pretty sure i would win the cotest at that point, and then....

***

Today we had a new hires lunch involving the two of us, the guy leading our client's transition, a new kid in accounting, the head of accounting, and the CEO. Just time for a little bonding, discovery of common interests, education about everybody's background, etc. A perfect time, I think, for everyone to find out that SB/SC couldn't be bothered to go to college, but I decided before we left that I am not a big enough ass hole to bring it up. Thankfully, the CEO is an inquisitive dude, so he took care of that for me. Read on...

CEO: So, SB/SC, where'd you go to school?
SB/SC: [Insert local high school]

(Zach Morris time out: This chick is a retard. It is only acceptable in professional athletics to claim your high school as your place of education. It's fine to hear "LeBron James: St Vincent-St. Mary High School" when a sicknasty NBA player introduces himself on national television, but it simply isn't when a businessperson introduces herself at lunch.)

CEO: Huh? ...followed by an awkward pause...
SB/SC: Oh, you mean for college?
CEO: Yes, college. ...implied DUH...
SB/SC: Oh, I went to Virginia Wesleyan for a semester, but then I came home and I've lived at home ever since.
CEO: (Audible gulp. Look of confusion and terror.) Oh, I see.
SB/SC: I've been going to the community college since.
CEO: Still plugging away then?
SB/SC: Yup.
.....awkwardness......
CEO: So how'd you like Norfolk? That's where Virginia Wesleyan is, right?
SB/SC: Honestly, I didn't really like it.
...Well no duh! You left before you even managed to get 15 credits under your belt! Nobody assumed that you thought it was the greatest place on earth...he was just buying time because he didn't know how to respond to the fact that you have no education, when he is an educational snob who requires employees to seek graduate degrees or accredidations during their employment at his company and he unknowingly approved your hire becaue he wasn't informed!!!!...

***

The rest of the lunch passed and SB/SC did a botchjob of the bonding and of the making herself look good/seem like she fits in. I did fine. The accounting boy also did fine, and I think he and I will be friends, as he's also cool enough to be part of the Friday Greek Deli crowd and he did go to college.

I have devoted all of my time since then being a great employee and making SB/SC look like a retard in hopes that those things combined with the mediocrity that she provides on her own will cause her to get the axe and me to get her job and her office instead of my own. Wish me luck on my new venture. Now, back to work.