As previously stated (back in the day when I used to write about my life on a regular basis), Perfect Love Interest is in college. He’s finishing up at a highly respectable private institution on the East Coast in May, and he’s taking a hell of a rough course load between now and then. The spring semester will consist of a three-course schedule:
· Wilderness Skills – Meets twice per week for one hour at a time. Claims to teach leadership, correct zip-wiring techniques, how to cook hotdogs and marshmallows on a stick over a campfire, how to fashion a shelter from things found in the wild (or in your Range Rover), and how to scare away a bear. This course will culminate in a weekend camping trip featuring moonshine and mushrooms. Jealous? Me too.
· Fly Fishing – Taught by the same person as Wilderness Skills. Also meets twice per week for one hour at a time…on the same day actually with a two-hour break in between. My vast knowledge of fly fishing comes entirely from both reading and watching A River Runs Through It, and that vast knowledge tells me that Fly Fishing is mostly about beer-drinking and bonding. So, this one sounds like Perfect Love Interest’s cup of tea…and mine too, come to think of it…doubly jealous? Me too.
· An Independent Study, the curriculum for which Perfect Love Interest created himself - This one might be my favorite, because it’s a weekly meeting (perhaps over cigars, glasses of bourbon, or steaks, because those are all things that gentlemen appreciate) during which Perfect Love Interest and his favorite professor will discuss current happenings in the Middle East. The teacher is a Class A Baller who fled Iraq at a time of government turmoil there (so….some time since 1958, when crazy motherfuckers began to be in charge of the country). He talks like Borat and he says thing like “Dee Jeewwwwww Businessman,” as though he might say “Dee Jeeewwwwww Businessman should be thrown down the well, so my country can be free.” He also calls Perfect Love Interest by a nickname that nobody else in the world calls him AND, when Perfect Love Interest says “I’m going to be missing the next week of class,” this Borat-teacher says “Go Aheeaaaadddd, Nickname.” No “please keep up with the readings,” no “Jesus Christ, you miss a lot,” nothing…just “Go Aheeaaadddd.” This man is a cartoon character, and Perfect Love Interest’s only substantive class of the semester will entail sitting and bonding with him once a week, while learning about fascinating things. Mannnnn the last semester of college is sweet.
Anyway, that semester is not here yet, and the current semester has a slightly more taxing courseload. It was supposed to be highlighted by “History of America Through Clothing,” which I was pretty excited to hear about. Sadly, Perfect Love Interest’s dad 
(who is the most fantastic gentleman I know and who is pictured here) is, for whatever reason, interested in his child learning things that actually might matter in some way, so the clothing course got the axe. It was replaced with something about Indians (feather, not dot), and it is the Indian class that recently caused me to be majorly devastated.
This class has one assignment all year: One 25-page paper on any topic you’d like, as long as it has something to do with Indians. Perfect Love Interest is writing about the way Indians (feather, not dot) are depicted in films…I believe he’ll be covering how the way Indian Directors portray their actor counterparts is different from the way Vanilla-Face directors do and a bunch of other stuff.
I’ve been tremendously helpful, as this poor man tries to write his paper. I have suggested that he watch the Twilight movie, and I even offered to go to the second one with him. Response: hostile disinterest. I have suggested a litany of other films for him to use as well, such as Free Willy, Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home, Free Willy 3: The Rescue, Free Willy: Escape From Pirate’s Cove, Pocahontas, and Man of the House, in addition to Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, which can be purchased in a box set from Best Buy.
All of these suggestions have been shot down with varying degrees of ridicule. I’m just trying to make the paper more interesting to write, and finally agreeing that that is a reasonable goal, Perfect Love Interest came up with another idea last night.
“What about Indians in porn?” he said. “Are there any Native American porn stars?” “Do they dress up as Indians in their movies or do you only know they're Indians because they have weird names like Princess Swansong Swallowscum?” “Do they play stereotypical Indian roles (read: medicine man, savage, wise elder, whatever the eff female indian stereotypes there are, etc.”
“What piece of our history makes you think that I would know the answers to these questions?” I responded.
This point was well-taken, and I was then assigned to do a bit of research (because Perfect Love Interest is currently without internet access). So…first I googled “Native American Pornstars” and then “Native American Porn.” I found the following information. Some of it is disturbing, but I feel that my life is slightly richer for knowing it, so I share.
Caution: These things are mostly NOT workplace appropriate and some could change your life for the worst (read: make you gouge your eyes out, Oedipus-style).
1. The most famous Native American Pornstar (according to the frequency with which her name popped up in my extensive research) is named Janette Littledove. She has quite a long list of films on IMDB. Check them out.
2. There's a gentleman who was kind enough to create an entire website dedicated to Native American ladies, with heritage in various tribes, who have committed their adult lives to creating art of the adult movie variety. I wonder if he had to fight anyone the the URL: www.nativeamericaporn.com.
3. There are also sites dedicated to particular things that Native Americans may do better than those of us with the glue-colored skin. Check them out here (but only if you're over 18). Call me a prude, but I screamed like some had shot my komodo dragon when I opened this page. Perfect Love Interest can attest to that fact, as he was sitting on the other end of the phone laughing...because he's a monster.
4. Lastly, and slightly more tame, there are websites featuring people dressed as Indians. That's hot.
Anyway, I hope you feel both as enriched as I do for this new knowledge and also as jealous as I am of Perfect Love Interest's existence.
Happy weekend.
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