The worst of these dreams was as follows, and it took place continually between the hours of 3 and 6 am.
***
I wake up, it's Monday morning, and I'm feeling particularly fat. My boobs look bigger, and when you're talking training bra scale, these things are NOTICEABLE! Also, I have a gnarly stomach ache. It occurs to me almost immediately that these changes are likely the result of my being pregnant. That thought causes me to vomit...or maybe it's not the thought of being pregnant....maybe it's the morning sickness caused by my REAL LIFE PREGNANCY! This obviously correct realization throws me into a panic.
[Zach Morris Time Out for a moment please...As mentioned by my all-too-kind sister yesterday, when something makes me uncomfortable, grossed out, or terrified, I do absolutely nothing about it. If I find a dead mouse in the laundry room, I don't throw it away or bury it in the back yard, I don't call my dad and tell him to do something with it, I don't suggest that our house might need an exterminator. Instead, I leave it where it is and decide that I will do my laundry later, after someone else has found and disposed of said mouse. There is no good reason for this behavior, but it is my reality. Ok, Time In]
Now, being a virgin, I should not worry about these things. And since Perfect Love Interest and I go on dates but do not actually touch one another apart from hand-holding, I cannot possibly be pregnant. But, since pregnancy scares me, and since they only cost $5/month, I take Anti-Babies (similar to anti-depressants but more effective, I'm told). These things make your body work like clockwork, so I should know for certain by Monday night that I am not, in fact, with child.
[Zach Morris Time Out...Don't be confused, I love kids. I absolutely adore them, I make friends with them in grocery stores and at restaurants with booths, and I think they're great. It's not the product of a pregnancy that freaks me out...it's the pregnancy itself. You know when you cut open a bell pepper and it has another little tiny bell pepper growing inside of it? That's cool. Crack open a human being and find a tiny little human being in there though? Not so much. I'm told that my feelings on the subject will change one day...so I'll let you know. Ok, Time In.]
So all day Monday, I freak out but expect that I'll be made to realize I was being crazy any moment. I go to bed Monday night thinking it'll be fine when I wake up. All day Tuesday, terror. I just don't know what to do. Then Perfect Love Interest comes home because it's Thanksgiving...and he wants to know what's wrong with me...and he tells me my boobs look big...which makes it even worse!! That really throws me over the edge, and I confess to him that I'm relatively sure I'm carrying his (slash God's) child. He is less of a hermit crab than I am, so he suggests we find out for sure. Does he drive me to the store to by an EPT? Yup. Does he go inside with me? Uh huh. Does he have a conversation with the nice 80 year-old white woman with a bonnet behind the counter about how we're just so excited that we're going to be a mommy and daddy? You betcha.
We go back to my house, I take this test, and I'm officially Prego. Awesome. I am horrified.
Now is when the dream starts to get weird. (Dun Dun Dun).
Perfect Love Interest is not horrified at all. He's PUMPED! So are my roommates. They say that our lease allows for children...YAY! They say that they're sure that I'll be able to find a way to support this child, and Perfect Love Interest says that we'll all be just fine...all five of us, me, him, our baby, and my two roommates...just one big, happy family. Everyone also tells me that they're sure I'll be able to get my abs back after a baby punches them from the inside for months and makes me double in size. I do not believe them, but their positivity is em effing unwavering!
[Zach Morris Time Out...This is exactly like when I was in 1st Grade and we had a Career Day at school. It was the kind of Career Day where you dress up as what you want to be when you grow up, not the kind where you go to work with someone. At the time, my sister would have been in preschool and my brother would have been in 3rd grade. We would all have been going to different schools at different times, so I can understand that maybe nobody saw me, but there were 3 grown-ups living in our house (parents and grandmother) and someone must have fed me Cinnamon Toast Crunch, so I'm doubting that that's how it went down. Regardless, I went to school in my bathing suit, claiming that when I grew up, I wanted to be a professional diver. This story is horrifying first because nobody said "way to shoot for the stars, retard, that doesn't exist...why aren't you dressed as a Marine Biologist like all the other girls here (thanks Free Willy)?" It's more horrifying though, because nobody objected to the fact that I had left the house IN A BATHING SUIT to go to school!!!! I knew it was a bad idea, and I thought that people would laugh and then I'd put on my coat for the rest of the day or something, but not a single soul objected. Nobody at home said "Don't wear that," none of my friends in their Sunday suits said anything during the walk to school, my teacher didn't even ask what the hell I was doing! But of course I didn't make it through the day...the Principal came around to our classroom to see what everyone was dressed as, discovered me, called me out in front of everyone, and made me walk home, change and come back. Ok Time in]
That experience was exactly like my pregnancy dream! Nobody thought it was a bad idea but me. Everyone said "awesome" and "cool" and "wow," and nobody said "Oh Sweet Jesus, would you like me to throw you down that there flight of stairs?" I was the ONLY one who knew to be terrified. And there was no way to get out of it because there's no Principal to send you home from Parenthood.
THE END
-Mayor McShambles
Now, being a virgin, I should not worry about these things. And since Perfect Love Interest and I go on dates but do not actually touch one another apart from hand-holding, I cannot possibly be pregnant. But, since pregnancy scares me, and since they only cost $5/month, I take Anti-Babies (similar to anti-depressants but more effective, I'm told). These things make your body work like clockwork, so I should know for certain by Monday night that I am not, in fact, with child.
[Zach Morris Time Out...Don't be confused, I love kids. I absolutely adore them, I make friends with them in grocery stores and at restaurants with booths, and I think they're great. It's not the product of a pregnancy that freaks me out...it's the pregnancy itself. You know when you cut open a bell pepper and it has another little tiny bell pepper growing inside of it? That's cool. Crack open a human being and find a tiny little human being in there though? Not so much. I'm told that my feelings on the subject will change one day...so I'll let you know. Ok, Time In.]
So all day Monday, I freak out but expect that I'll be made to realize I was being crazy any moment. I go to bed Monday night thinking it'll be fine when I wake up. All day Tuesday, terror. I just don't know what to do. Then Perfect Love Interest comes home because it's Thanksgiving...and he wants to know what's wrong with me...and he tells me my boobs look big...which makes it even worse!! That really throws me over the edge, and I confess to him that I'm relatively sure I'm carrying his (slash God's) child. He is less of a hermit crab than I am, so he suggests we find out for sure. Does he drive me to the store to by an EPT? Yup. Does he go inside with me? Uh huh. Does he have a conversation with the nice 80 year-old white woman with a bonnet behind the counter about how we're just so excited that we're going to be a mommy and daddy? You betcha.
We go back to my house, I take this test, and I'm officially Prego. Awesome. I am horrified.
Now is when the dream starts to get weird. (Dun Dun Dun).
Perfect Love Interest is not horrified at all. He's PUMPED! So are my roommates. They say that our lease allows for children...YAY! They say that they're sure that I'll be able to find a way to support this child, and Perfect Love Interest says that we'll all be just fine...all five of us, me, him, our baby, and my two roommates...just one big, happy family. Everyone also tells me that they're sure I'll be able to get my abs back after a baby punches them from the inside for months and makes me double in size. I do not believe them, but their positivity is em effing unwavering!
[Zach Morris Time Out...This is exactly like when I was in 1st Grade and we had a Career Day at school. It was the kind of Career Day where you dress up as what you want to be when you grow up, not the kind where you go to work with someone. At the time, my sister would have been in preschool and my brother would have been in 3rd grade. We would all have been going to different schools at different times, so I can understand that maybe nobody saw me, but there were 3 grown-ups living in our house (parents and grandmother) and someone must have fed me Cinnamon Toast Crunch, so I'm doubting that that's how it went down. Regardless, I went to school in my bathing suit, claiming that when I grew up, I wanted to be a professional diver. This story is horrifying first because nobody said "way to shoot for the stars, retard, that doesn't exist...why aren't you dressed as a Marine Biologist like all the other girls here (thanks Free Willy)?" It's more horrifying though, because nobody objected to the fact that I had left the house IN A BATHING SUIT to go to school!!!! I knew it was a bad idea, and I thought that people would laugh and then I'd put on my coat for the rest of the day or something, but not a single soul objected. Nobody at home said "Don't wear that," none of my friends in their Sunday suits said anything during the walk to school, my teacher didn't even ask what the hell I was doing! But of course I didn't make it through the day...the Principal came around to our classroom to see what everyone was dressed as, discovered me, called me out in front of everyone, and made me walk home, change and come back. Ok Time in]
That experience was exactly like my pregnancy dream! Nobody thought it was a bad idea but me. Everyone said "awesome" and "cool" and "wow," and nobody said "Oh Sweet Jesus, would you like me to throw you down that there flight of stairs?" I was the ONLY one who knew to be terrified. And there was no way to get out of it because there's no Principal to send you home from Parenthood.
THE END
-Mayor McShambles
No comments:
Post a Comment