Afraid.

[First of all, we are currently trying to make Captain Cougar Train's funny stories make sense, so his introduction will take place later. Until then, more absurdity from My Real Life.]

I’ve come to realize as of late that what I call “having a contingency plan” is what most people refer to as “irrationality” or “fucking nuts.” For example, my roommate went out of town for a week and I was by myself in our big spooky house. My mind naturally began to wander over to the dark side, where bad things could happen to me while alone in a house.

Think of it as a dark spiral from this to this

The following real gchat conversation happened between my work BFF and me. I have chosen to refer to him as "coworker" because I think he'd be creeped out if I called him work BFF, since he keeps claiming we're not actually friends. Like anyone can resist my friendship.

me: Being in that place alone for a week is SCARY

coworker: how scary?

me: very.

very very scary.

coworker: human centipede scary?

me: yes.

coworker: wow

me: it sounds like people are IN my house

coworker: eek

me: I know

I KNOW

makes me wish I lived in a secure building again

what if someone breaks into my house and kills me

it could happen!

it's not hard!

coworker: it would also be easy for someone to shank you walking down Forbes Ave in broad daylight

you afraid to walk down Forbes now?

me: no.

my house being broken into is not completely unreasonable haha

coworker: no, nothing is

but it's not necessarily likely

me: oh whatever

not like my roommate is much protection when he's there anyway haha

It's just that if I were trapped under something, he'd find me faster than someone who noticed I'd been missing for a week

coworker: I think we'd notice

me: but how long would I have to be trapped under something before someone would come a-knockin’

like a large bookshelf

coworker: a day, tops?

me: or the washing machine

coworker: do you even have a large bookshelf?

me: I do

with many books

coworker: how do you get trapped by a washing machine?

me: many heavy books

coworker: are they leather bound?

me: every single one

perfect for trapping

also, my entire vinyl collection

which is super awesome

coworker: hipster.

me: how many hipster points do I get for having ABBA's great hits?

coworker: they had hits?

me: ........

you disgust me.

ok quitting time see you tomorrow!

coworker: kbai!

don't get trapped under anything!

me: see then it'd be more than a day!

if I immediately became trapped under my bookshelf when I got home

[at this point a hour passes and return to gchat at home]

me: I am sitting far away from my bookshelf

Irrational Fear: Fun For Everyone

-Lady

The (third?) Revival of The Deathy Times Begins Today. Get on Board, Homeboy.

Dearest ladies, gentlemen, and various and sundry (<-- did you know that is two words...and. sundry? This girl thought it was one...insundry...for 25 years...glad we cleared that up...annnnnyway) other followers,

The Deathy Times has been hit hard by what some are calling a "recession." It causes those of us with jobs to work twice as hard as our forefathers did, and it causes those of use without jobs to be so depressed about the state of our finances that we can't possibly be funny enough to write blog posts. Fortunately enough for all (five) of you faithful readers, The Deathy Times has found new life blood, which has both provided a little extra something to the blog's fountain of whatever and promised supplementary posts, to enrich the quality of all of our lives. As such, we're back. Please, please try to contain your excitement.

Some (maybe four?) of you are probably saying: "listen, crazy pants, you promised me new life blood a year ago and it was nothing but a one-night stand. You shattered my hopes and dreams, and left me carrying my Spanx and my dignity home in my Michael Kors bag. Why should I give you another chance??" To you, I say: I'm super-sorr about the bag, but I didn't mean it and I'll try my best not to do it again. I also think that, given the new contributor we have on board at the moment, things could get really good....really quickly.

So now, I introduce to you the reviver of The Deathy Times, who has injected us all with a new fervor for hilarity in writing: Captain Cougar Train. Captain Cougar Train is, to be frank, a magnet to the silliest and floppiest cougars in the DC Metropolitan Area. When the captain blows his whistle, the Cougars come a-runnin' and the normal 20-somethings ladies duck for cover or make for the hills, lest they be trampled or torn to bits. The captain finds his ladies in all shapes, sizes, and corners of the burbs and city, and try as he might to fend them off, they either follow where he goes or send one of their compatriots his way. His stories are many and varied, and The Deathy Times will share them all with you. Starting.......tomorrow!

Because two posts in two days is a step towards righting a universe that has been without consistent Deathy Times love for so many months. Until then, hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husbands.

Love,

The Mayor

Thanks, Paul Porter

[Hey y'all! We're back! More on that later. For now, the newest post by yours truly...]

When I was in college, I was a peer health educator. What does a peer health educator do, you ask? I could give you the PC answer that we were required to provide when asked, or I could give you the real scoop: I put condoms on dildos in front of large groups of college students for money. The program itself began when I was a junior, and I was an inaugural member (or OG, if you will). This job was amazing for so many reasons, not the least of which was the fact that I was paid to give presentations that included the phrase “Over-the-Pants Hand Job.” The best, by far, was the one I did for the basketball team. We went to the Elite Eight that year for the first time since 1974. Not to imply that correlation equals causation or anything, but I’d say knowledge of proper dental dam usage couldn’t have HURT their basketball skills.

Anyway, when November rolled around, some of us had the opportunity to attend a conference in Atlanta. I’m not sure what I expected, but the following events didn’t even register on my radar as POSSIBLE, let alone likely.

A few things about this conference before I begin the real story:

1) Most Peer Health Educators Are Pod People

Have you ever been in a room full of RAs? You know how they are weirdly close and get excited about the stupidest stuff? Or they talk about inside jokes that you don’t get/probably wouldn’t think were funny even if you had been there? And the most disconcerting thing is that a fair amount of them are actually fucking each other? And then you think how maybe if you just joined their club, you’d let the group-think mentality (or, more likely, the worms that live in their brains like in Animorphs) over take you and you’d actually be getting laid? Then you kind of want to kill yourself? Ok that was a little irrelevant (and also completely hypothetical). The point is, if you sat around with the people at this conference for more than 5 minutes, you’d automatically feel like the coolest person in the room while being simultaneously isolated by said coolness. Like, really, what the hell are you so excited about?

2) Peer Health Educators LOVE Icebreakers

And hugging strangers. Oh god, the hugging. I’ll never feel clean again.

3) You Will Learn Things About People You Never Wanted to Know. Ever.

“Hi, nice to meet you. Yeah, I’m a Psych major. Oh, you got gonorrhea once? IN YOUR THROAT?! Wow…um…way to bounce back IG2GTTYLKTHNXBYE!!!!!”

0 to awkward in less than two sentences.

I learned all of these things over the course of my weekend, but the real story begins at the opening ceremony.

The keynote speaker was the guy who created the “Evolution of Dance” video on YouTube, Judson Laipply, who happens to be a former peer health educator. He touts himself as a “Stand-Up Comedian/ Motivational Speaker.” This combination is as stupid as it sounds. Well, maybe I’m being unfair. I checked out pretty early and spent the majority of his routine thinking about candy, so he may have said something funny during that time. At the end of his speech, he announced there would be an interest meeting for the Student Advisory Committee, a group of student representatives elected from each of 12 areas of the country. I thought it’d be cool to get a free trip to Denver, so I went to this meeting. The current SAC stood in front and introduced themselves (“Hi, I’m Kelly! I’m from Area 2! WHO HERE IS FROM AREA 2? WOOOOOOO”). People raised their hands as their area was called and also cheered because they are freaks. When we got to Area 11, I was the only one who raised my hand. I started to get really excited. I had this election in the bag! I was running unopposed and all I had to do was make a 2-minute speech and answer a couple of questions? Why don’t you just ask me the BREATHE?!

At the end of the meeting, we broke off with our area representative to talk a little more about the position. As Brandon and I discussed this unnecessary process I was going to go through the next day, I heard a voice from behind me that I will never forget. It will stay with me until the day I die. It said: “Area 11?” I couldn’t hide my annoyance as it spoke; having thought that I would have no competition and now my free trip to Denver might be ruined. I slowly turned to see the owner of the voice (/my only opponent) and had to suppress an audible gasp…

HE WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR.

I hope Paul enjoyed his free trip to Denver.

-Lady of Leisure

P.S. We weren’t allowed to watch each others’ speeches, so we had to stand in the hallway. With his adviser. Who was blind. And had a seeing-eye dog.

Hit Me Up On My Cellie! ~ <3 ~

I probably shouldn't be allowed to have a phone. Well, not one with text messaging. I just went through the text messages I have sent recently. Here are some highlights:

-If you could give any of the Jersey Shore guys a blumpkin, who would you choose?

-1) Is your sister a girl scout? 2) is she selling girl scout cookies? (Editor's note: F-A-T)

-You look like Predator's baby

-Wendy's makes spicy chicken nuggets now. Do you think they are like mini spicy chicken sandwiches? (Editor's note: F-A-T-T-E-R)


One can only conclude that I am lewd, insulting, and hungry.


But seriously, I will probably go to Wendy's this week for the above-stated purpose....

....and dip that shiz in a frosty

A Load of B.S.

So my degree is in Psychology. I realize that may not have been a practical decision on my part, seeing as I don't want to be a psychologist anymore, but it was kind of too late to turn back. It has its perks though. My school only offered it as a Bachelor of Science. So now, my title is now Lady of Leisure, B.S., making it official instead of implied.



Despite my lack of extreme interest in pursuing a career in psychology, I got a job working for a psychological study. As I sit here every day, contributing to SCIENCE!, I often wonder what might be a more enjoyable career in this field. I came up with a few studies I might find myself being very excited to be a part of. This list includes:



-Snug as a Bug in a Rug: Puppy-cuddling techniques and the optimization of healthy sleep patterns.



-The effect of ratio differences on ice cream sandwich-induced happiness



-Let them eat cake: middle layer filling and related rates of satisfaction



-You're my Sex Bomb: Increased neural activity in response to shirtless men with toned

abdominal muscles



-'The O.C.' and the post-adolescent female brain: Effects of wife-beaters and witty banter on the 22-year-old female's perception of the reality of love



I am currently pursuing NIH funding for all of these projects.





-Lady of Leisure



P.S. This is, of course, if my other Life Plan doesn't work out

A Short Statement From the Mayor, Regarding Camp Potomac Shambles

I'd like to take this opportunity to explain my behavior during that fateful week at Camp Potomac Woods. First though, you should know that yesterday's post caused me to pee my own pants with laughter for two reasons. The first is that I was previously unaware that The Lady peed the floor of a makeshift house, and the second is that my recollection of the Camp Potomac Woods experience is SOOO different from the recollection she would expect me to have, given my "this is the best place evvverrrrr!" behavior at the time. We had a conversation about those two things yesterday as soon as the entry was posted, and I think a transcript of that chat will explain it all.

Lady: I put up a new post

Mayor: that shit is funny

i just read it

Lady: yeah that happened

9:15 AM

Mayor: i don't think i knew that you peed the floori do know that horse camp sucked ass though

it was not fun

Lady: oh yeah?! I thought you loved it!

Mayor: i got thrown off and got my hand stepped on

Lady: oh yeah!

Mayor: that fucker broke my finger

Lady: i do remember that

Mayor: and i told them i didn't want to do the jumps anymore

9:16 AM and they told me i had to

so i climbed back on and cried the entire time that it rode around the ring jumping over stuff

pretty sure i did swim camp the year before actually

Lady: ok def didn't know that

9:17 AM so we all had a bad time?

Mayor: hahaha yeah i think so

Lady: we had to wear these swim cpas that smelled like fish, it was gross

Mayor: i mean, i wasn't traumatized or anything...because after we left the horses i got to play and eat lots of mashed potatoes and bug juice (aka kool aid)

yeah the caps were gross...different colors for different levels of ability...all staaaaaanky

Lady: i think I had fun some of the time

9:18 AM yeahhhh

I think I was in an advanced level of ability

having been on swim team
and like, actually good at swimming at that point Mayor: you would've had a red cap then, i believeLady: yeah!

I did have a red cap!

Mayor: hahaha

it's funny how different my experience was though

the year i did swim camp, mom and dad both drove me there and they were acting all weird

9:20 AM and i was pumped about camp...sitting in the middle seat of the van reading the brochure about what promised to be the best week of my life

(which probably took the entire 1.5 hour ride or whatever because i remain, to this day, the slowest em effing reader ever)

anyway there was a piece about "home-missing"

9:21 AM and i asked what that was, because the concept of missing home was apparently something I couldn't grasp

and mom explained that sometimes you miss your bed and your parents and the rest of your family and home-cooked meals (read: hamburger helper), and that that can make a kid sad

and i said, allegedly, "I don't get it. Why would I miss you?"

9:22 AM and i believe mom cried

9:24 AM Lady: hahahahahaha OUCH

9:25 AM It's so funny, they were always sad to see you go places but when it was time for me to go places they had already experienced the leaving-a-child-somewhere-overnight thing so they never acted weird

Mayor: hahaha

yeah b/c [our older brother] never did anything, so i was the test child

Lady: haha true!

Mayor: and they would be like "oh man, this is such a big deal!"

and i'd be like "guys, calm down, i'll see you later"

Lady: yeah I never got that haha
I mean, we were both pretty independent kids though, I wasn't really attached either
Mayor: i think basically after I traumatized them like that, they'd act cool b/c they thought that's what they were supposed to do

b/c the kids make the rules!

9:27 AM Lady: that's how you gotta parent!

like mom said I always ran away from her as soon as I got ot preschool

Mayor: hahahaha

Lady: like the "BYE SEE YOU LATER MOM NO I DON'T WANT A HUG BYE"

Mayor: i'm sure that made her feel rull good

9:28 AM Lady: well, i was 2 or 4 so I don't feel to guilty

3 or 4

Mayor: hahaha

2 or 4 was funnier

Lady: well fuck

9:29 AM

Mayor: i was always like "thank you very much for bringing me here, as i'm not yet old enough to drive. i appreciate that you want to hang out with me, but i'm previously committed to eating paste and building things with blocks, so i'll just catch up with you this afternoon, ok?"
Lady: hahahaha exactly!Mayor: and mom would be like "ok fiiiiiine."

Lady: I mean it's probably hard as a parent when your kid is independent but better for the kid really
Mayor: yeah and ultimately better for you...but probably not the easiest to accept at first Lady: I can't believe you didn't know the pee story
that's a classic moment9:30 AM Mayor: yeah i don't know how i missed that oneLady: you gotta remember the tears though

because that involved you haha

Mayor: haha i do

they pulled me out of some sort of awesome play time

9:31 AM and, as previously stated, i didn't get the home-missing thing

Lady: I'm not sure it was missing home so much as it was having a miserable time and not wanting to be there

Mayor: so i was like "em, get it together, this is awesoooooooooooooome! Mom and dad aren't here!!! Wheeeeeeeeee!"

yeah...i distinctly remember being told that you were homesick and needed family

and i was like...uh...guys...i'm 8

9:32 AM Lady: haha i think I was just like I WANT TO SEE MY SISTER

because everyone in my camp was older than me and they weren't that nice

esp my bunkmates, who were the meanest

9:33 AM I think I made friends with other people

but those bitches

Mayor: yeah that blows...i think i was the youngest too
because it was like you either had to be a certain age or have finished a certain grade

so i went to horse camp with other kids who were like 9, 10, and 11

and i was 8

and tiiiiny

9:34 AM Lady: yeah i think you had to have just finished first grade

Mayor: like we had to help each other up on to the horses and i was totally worthless because everyone had 40 lbs on me

Lady: hahahahaha

you're like " I don't have much to work with here!"

Mayor: yeah i was like...how about i stand here and pet this guy while you go get a stool or soemthing?
Lady: hahahahaha helpful9:35 AM so how do you feel about wTCHING THE STEELERS GAME SUNDSY

sorry caps lock


And then the conversation went in another direction, as you can see. But I swear, I'm not the monster I was made out to be. And really, compared to the behavior of some other mayors, like the Mayor of Detroit, the Mayor of Portland, the Mayor of Los Angeles, and my personal favorite, the Mayor of East Cleveland, I'd say this is small potatoes.

Camp Potomac Woods, We Hold You In Our Hearts

Mayor McShambles and I never went to summer camp for more than a week. I have gone to week-long sleep away camps twice in my life and I think The Mayor tops out around 5 (most of which were sport-related, but I'll leave the decision to discuss her former athletic glory up to her). Sometimes I think it would've been cool if I got to do all the fun things I saw on "Bug Juice" for an entire summer. However, it is probably a good thing we couldn't afford 3 months worth of campfires and bug bites considering what happened the first time they sent me away for only one week. What would have been the summer of 1994, I had my first camp experience: Girl Scout Camp. Now, I was a wee little dibblet, having just finished first grade, and I was very nervous. I was going to have to sleep in a cabin with canvas walls (!), pee in a latrine (!), and be away from my mommy and daddy. I am not sure at what age children are usually sent to this type of setting, but my parents were ones to enjoy a fucking break foster a sense of independence, so I was the youngest kid in my camp. To add insult to injury, they had put me in the swimming camp because the others for kids my age had to do with crafts and shit (Yeah, right! I was a tomboy! I had a bowlcut until 1999, motherfucker.). I liked swimming and all, but I was in camp with a bunch of 8-year-olds who couldn't swim, so that was awkward. Not to mention my two of my three bunkmates were these bitchy little 2nd graders who made fun of me for being younger than them and my wit was not up to par back then. Throw a couple two, three wolf spiders into the mix and you've got my week at Camp Potomac Woods. I would love to say that I was a total trooper through this experience, but that is pretty far from the truth. I remember 4 separate incidents occurring that were particularly traumatic. They are as follows, in order from "not so bad" to "you are a heinous human":

1) The Gnat.
So I'm just a 7-year-old trying to learn how to juggle on circus day. I'm not having a lot of success, but I AM having a wonderful time. Next thing I know I've got a god damn gnat in my ear. In my ear, buzzing around against my ear drum, making me cry. They had to take me to the nurse on a golf cart and it was a big to-do. Embarrassing, yet horrifying. I hate bugs, especially when LODGED in any part of my body.

2) The Unidentified Mammal in the Rafters.
This was probably the second night of camp. As I mentioned before, our cabins had canvas walls. They were basically raised platforms with a roof and support beams. Anyway, I was lying there in my sleeping bag on a plank of wood, trying to not be homesick for the sweet daybed trundle that me and The Mayor shared (yeah, we shared a room AND a trundle bed...awkward). Just as I am about to drift off to dreamland, I see something moving on the rafters above me. Directly above my bed was a support beam for the roof and SOMETHING with FUR and A TAIL was HANGING THE FUCK OUT up there. I was terrified. Like shit-the-bed, shaking with fear. After I stared at this fur ball for about half an hour while it shifted positions, I got my flashlight out and tried to see what it was. Alas, the angle was bad and I was too afraid to actually get out of my bed. I lay there for 4 hours, frozen, watching this animal have its nuh-night time 10 feet above my face. This incident would inevitably lead to the worst camp moment on this list.

3) Tears.
By the third day, I was Sally SadPants. My bunkmates kept making fun of me, I was in swimming camp, There was an animal in my bunk last night, wolf spiders are EVERYWHERE...it was bad. Luckily for me, Mayor McShambles was at camp too! She was in the horseback-riding camp, which sounded so cool. Unfortunately, since I was a baby, I wasn't allowed to be in horse camp (jelly to this day). The Mayor was loooooooving camp. Who wouldn't? You're 8 and you ride horses all day and you're at CAMP! I was unaware of how awesome her experience was because she had refused to speak to me the entire time (to her credit, we were on opposite sides of the camp and did not really run into each other or have very many opportunities to speak...but when she did see me she wanted no part of my 7-year-old life, which was rude). I finally broke down and cried to my counselors. I asked to see my sister and they had to pull her away from all the FUN she was having riding horses to deal with my trifling ass. Needless to say, she was less than comforting. Embarrassing. The only thing that came from this was everyone in my camp seeing me cry and my sister being pissed about missing her super sweet horse-related shit. *sigh*

4) The Puddle.
I think about this incident often. I have waves of guilt about it. It's not my finest moment. I am especially ashamed at the deception I was capable of as a 7year-old. Nevertheless, it happened.

So about the fourth night, I woke up really having to go to the bathroom. The aforementioned latrines (!) were a little away from our campsite, so protocol was to wake a bunkmate and walk there together. My third bunkmate, Kelly, was a perfectly nice girl especially compared to the other two. She was my sister's age though, so it was weird that she was in swimming camp with the younger kids. We were the oldest and youngest, respectively, similarly outcast. After lying in my bed, hoping this feeling would just go away, I realized that was going to be impossible. I was very afraid of the dark forest around us...but apparently also very afraid of waking a sleeping bunkmate. I got out of my bed and gently tried to wake Kelly up. Barely touching her shoulder as I only mildly audibly mouthed "Kellllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy." My pathetic attempt at rousing her was unsuccessful. This is when I panicked. What could I do?! I was still scared of everything about my bunk due to Incident #2! I can't wake up Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Bitch on the other side of the bunk. Should I go the the counselor cabin? That would involve going outside alone.....

At this point, I did the only thing I could think of in the middle of the tornado of anxiety I had created...and pissed where I stood. I stood next to Kelly's bed and PEED ON THE FLOOR. It happened almost involuntarily at first, but I kind of had to run with it. The damage being done, I changed my underwear and went back to sleep. I woke the next morning to my other bunkmates whispering "Oh my god, did Kelly pee on the floor?" "Why would she do that?! That's so gross!" "Why didn't she wake anyone up?!"

Without missing a beat I whispered "Oh she did?!?!?! that's so gross!!!"

Kelly awoke to awkward accusations of having pissed on the floor during the night, something she couldn't recall. Someone had to get the counselors to clean it up, all of whom were understandably confused at the thought of a 9-year-old peeing on the floor. And there was Kelly, looking embarrassed and confused as to how she sleep-peed next to her bed, totally believing she was the cause of this.

I let her take the blame. How could I admit that I had, not only, pissed myself, but did it next to someone else's bed?!

She became the 9-year-old who peed on the floor at camp.

All I can say is, I'm sorry Kelly. I'm sorry I let you become That Girl. I hope you can understand, now that you're an adult, that this was an act of self-preservation. I was 7. Please forgive me.

That being said, I can't take it back sooooooooooooooo, thanks for the funny story Kells Bells!



-Lady of Leisure

PS I have since gained control of my bladder during the night.