Camp Potomac Woods, We Hold You In Our Hearts

Mayor McShambles and I never went to summer camp for more than a week. I have gone to week-long sleep away camps twice in my life and I think The Mayor tops out around 5 (most of which were sport-related, but I'll leave the decision to discuss her former athletic glory up to her). Sometimes I think it would've been cool if I got to do all the fun things I saw on "Bug Juice" for an entire summer. However, it is probably a good thing we couldn't afford 3 months worth of campfires and bug bites considering what happened the first time they sent me away for only one week. What would have been the summer of 1994, I had my first camp experience: Girl Scout Camp. Now, I was a wee little dibblet, having just finished first grade, and I was very nervous. I was going to have to sleep in a cabin with canvas walls (!), pee in a latrine (!), and be away from my mommy and daddy. I am not sure at what age children are usually sent to this type of setting, but my parents were ones to enjoy a fucking break foster a sense of independence, so I was the youngest kid in my camp. To add insult to injury, they had put me in the swimming camp because the others for kids my age had to do with crafts and shit (Yeah, right! I was a tomboy! I had a bowlcut until 1999, motherfucker.). I liked swimming and all, but I was in camp with a bunch of 8-year-olds who couldn't swim, so that was awkward. Not to mention my two of my three bunkmates were these bitchy little 2nd graders who made fun of me for being younger than them and my wit was not up to par back then. Throw a couple two, three wolf spiders into the mix and you've got my week at Camp Potomac Woods. I would love to say that I was a total trooper through this experience, but that is pretty far from the truth. I remember 4 separate incidents occurring that were particularly traumatic. They are as follows, in order from "not so bad" to "you are a heinous human":

1) The Gnat.
So I'm just a 7-year-old trying to learn how to juggle on circus day. I'm not having a lot of success, but I AM having a wonderful time. Next thing I know I've got a god damn gnat in my ear. In my ear, buzzing around against my ear drum, making me cry. They had to take me to the nurse on a golf cart and it was a big to-do. Embarrassing, yet horrifying. I hate bugs, especially when LODGED in any part of my body.

2) The Unidentified Mammal in the Rafters.
This was probably the second night of camp. As I mentioned before, our cabins had canvas walls. They were basically raised platforms with a roof and support beams. Anyway, I was lying there in my sleeping bag on a plank of wood, trying to not be homesick for the sweet daybed trundle that me and The Mayor shared (yeah, we shared a room AND a trundle bed...awkward). Just as I am about to drift off to dreamland, I see something moving on the rafters above me. Directly above my bed was a support beam for the roof and SOMETHING with FUR and A TAIL was HANGING THE FUCK OUT up there. I was terrified. Like shit-the-bed, shaking with fear. After I stared at this fur ball for about half an hour while it shifted positions, I got my flashlight out and tried to see what it was. Alas, the angle was bad and I was too afraid to actually get out of my bed. I lay there for 4 hours, frozen, watching this animal have its nuh-night time 10 feet above my face. This incident would inevitably lead to the worst camp moment on this list.

3) Tears.
By the third day, I was Sally SadPants. My bunkmates kept making fun of me, I was in swimming camp, There was an animal in my bunk last night, wolf spiders are EVERYWHERE...it was bad. Luckily for me, Mayor McShambles was at camp too! She was in the horseback-riding camp, which sounded so cool. Unfortunately, since I was a baby, I wasn't allowed to be in horse camp (jelly to this day). The Mayor was loooooooving camp. Who wouldn't? You're 8 and you ride horses all day and you're at CAMP! I was unaware of how awesome her experience was because she had refused to speak to me the entire time (to her credit, we were on opposite sides of the camp and did not really run into each other or have very many opportunities to speak...but when she did see me she wanted no part of my 7-year-old life, which was rude). I finally broke down and cried to my counselors. I asked to see my sister and they had to pull her away from all the FUN she was having riding horses to deal with my trifling ass. Needless to say, she was less than comforting. Embarrassing. The only thing that came from this was everyone in my camp seeing me cry and my sister being pissed about missing her super sweet horse-related shit. *sigh*

4) The Puddle.
I think about this incident often. I have waves of guilt about it. It's not my finest moment. I am especially ashamed at the deception I was capable of as a 7year-old. Nevertheless, it happened.

So about the fourth night, I woke up really having to go to the bathroom. The aforementioned latrines (!) were a little away from our campsite, so protocol was to wake a bunkmate and walk there together. My third bunkmate, Kelly, was a perfectly nice girl especially compared to the other two. She was my sister's age though, so it was weird that she was in swimming camp with the younger kids. We were the oldest and youngest, respectively, similarly outcast. After lying in my bed, hoping this feeling would just go away, I realized that was going to be impossible. I was very afraid of the dark forest around us...but apparently also very afraid of waking a sleeping bunkmate. I got out of my bed and gently tried to wake Kelly up. Barely touching her shoulder as I only mildly audibly mouthed "Kellllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy." My pathetic attempt at rousing her was unsuccessful. This is when I panicked. What could I do?! I was still scared of everything about my bunk due to Incident #2! I can't wake up Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Bitch on the other side of the bunk. Should I go the the counselor cabin? That would involve going outside alone.....

At this point, I did the only thing I could think of in the middle of the tornado of anxiety I had created...and pissed where I stood. I stood next to Kelly's bed and PEED ON THE FLOOR. It happened almost involuntarily at first, but I kind of had to run with it. The damage being done, I changed my underwear and went back to sleep. I woke the next morning to my other bunkmates whispering "Oh my god, did Kelly pee on the floor?" "Why would she do that?! That's so gross!" "Why didn't she wake anyone up?!"

Without missing a beat I whispered "Oh she did?!?!?! that's so gross!!!"

Kelly awoke to awkward accusations of having pissed on the floor during the night, something she couldn't recall. Someone had to get the counselors to clean it up, all of whom were understandably confused at the thought of a 9-year-old peeing on the floor. And there was Kelly, looking embarrassed and confused as to how she sleep-peed next to her bed, totally believing she was the cause of this.

I let her take the blame. How could I admit that I had, not only, pissed myself, but did it next to someone else's bed?!

She became the 9-year-old who peed on the floor at camp.

All I can say is, I'm sorry Kelly. I'm sorry I let you become That Girl. I hope you can understand, now that you're an adult, that this was an act of self-preservation. I was 7. Please forgive me.

That being said, I can't take it back sooooooooooooooo, thanks for the funny story Kells Bells!



-Lady of Leisure

PS I have since gained control of my bladder during the night.