Afraid.

[First of all, we are currently trying to make Captain Cougar Train's funny stories make sense, so his introduction will take place later. Until then, more absurdity from My Real Life.]

I’ve come to realize as of late that what I call “having a contingency plan” is what most people refer to as “irrationality” or “fucking nuts.” For example, my roommate went out of town for a week and I was by myself in our big spooky house. My mind naturally began to wander over to the dark side, where bad things could happen to me while alone in a house.

Think of it as a dark spiral from this to this

The following real gchat conversation happened between my work BFF and me. I have chosen to refer to him as "coworker" because I think he'd be creeped out if I called him work BFF, since he keeps claiming we're not actually friends. Like anyone can resist my friendship.

me: Being in that place alone for a week is SCARY

coworker: how scary?

me: very.

very very scary.

coworker: human centipede scary?

me: yes.

coworker: wow

me: it sounds like people are IN my house

coworker: eek

me: I know

I KNOW

makes me wish I lived in a secure building again

what if someone breaks into my house and kills me

it could happen!

it's not hard!

coworker: it would also be easy for someone to shank you walking down Forbes Ave in broad daylight

you afraid to walk down Forbes now?

me: no.

my house being broken into is not completely unreasonable haha

coworker: no, nothing is

but it's not necessarily likely

me: oh whatever

not like my roommate is much protection when he's there anyway haha

It's just that if I were trapped under something, he'd find me faster than someone who noticed I'd been missing for a week

coworker: I think we'd notice

me: but how long would I have to be trapped under something before someone would come a-knockin’

like a large bookshelf

coworker: a day, tops?

me: or the washing machine

coworker: do you even have a large bookshelf?

me: I do

with many books

coworker: how do you get trapped by a washing machine?

me: many heavy books

coworker: are they leather bound?

me: every single one

perfect for trapping

also, my entire vinyl collection

which is super awesome

coworker: hipster.

me: how many hipster points do I get for having ABBA's great hits?

coworker: they had hits?

me: ........

you disgust me.

ok quitting time see you tomorrow!

coworker: kbai!

don't get trapped under anything!

me: see then it'd be more than a day!

if I immediately became trapped under my bookshelf when I got home

[at this point a hour passes and return to gchat at home]

me: I am sitting far away from my bookshelf

Irrational Fear: Fun For Everyone

-Lady