I’ve come to realize as of late that what I call “having a contingency plan” is what most people refer to as “irrationality” or “fucking nuts.” For example, my roommate went out of town for a week and I was by myself in our big spooky house. My mind naturally began to wander over to the dark side, where bad things could happen to me while alone in a house.
Think of it as a dark spiral from this to this
The following real gchat conversation happened between my work BFF and me. I have chosen to refer to him as "coworker" because I think he'd be creeped out if I called him work BFF, since he keeps claiming we're not actually friends. Like anyone can resist my friendship.
me: Being in that place alone for a week is SCARY
coworker: how scary?
me: very.
very very scary.
coworker: human centipede scary?
me: yes.
coworker: wow
me: it sounds like people are IN my house
coworker: eek
me: I know
I KNOW
makes me wish I lived in a secure building again
what if someone breaks into my house and kills me
it could happen!
it's not hard!
coworker: it would also be easy for someone to shank you walking down Forbes Ave in broad daylight
you afraid to walk down Forbes now?
me: no.
my house being broken into is not completely unreasonable haha
coworker: no, nothing is
but it's not necessarily likely
me: oh whatever
not like my roommate is much protection when he's there anyway haha
It's just that if I were trapped under something, he'd find me faster than someone who noticed I'd been missing for a week
coworker: I think we'd notice
me: but how long would I have to be trapped under something before someone would come a-knockin’
like a large bookshelf
coworker: a day, tops?
me: or the washing machine
coworker: do you even have a large bookshelf?
me: I do
with many books
coworker: how do you get trapped by a washing machine?
me: many heavy books
coworker: are they leather bound?
me: every single one
perfect for trapping
also, my entire vinyl collection
which is super awesome
coworker: hipster.
me: how many hipster points do I get for having ABBA's great hits?
coworker: they had hits?
me: ........
you disgust me.
ok quitting time see you tomorrow!
coworker: kbai!
don't get trapped under anything!
me: see then it'd be more than a day!
if I immediately became trapped under my bookshelf when I got home
[at this point a hour passes and return to gchat at home] |
me: I am sitting far away from my bookshelf
Irrational Fear: Fun For Everyone
-Lady
