A Short Statement From the Mayor, Regarding Camp Potomac Shambles

I'd like to take this opportunity to explain my behavior during that fateful week at Camp Potomac Woods. First though, you should know that yesterday's post caused me to pee my own pants with laughter for two reasons. The first is that I was previously unaware that The Lady peed the floor of a makeshift house, and the second is that my recollection of the Camp Potomac Woods experience is SOOO different from the recollection she would expect me to have, given my "this is the best place evvverrrrr!" behavior at the time. We had a conversation about those two things yesterday as soon as the entry was posted, and I think a transcript of that chat will explain it all.

Lady: I put up a new post

Mayor: that shit is funny

i just read it

Lady: yeah that happened

9:15 AM

Mayor: i don't think i knew that you peed the floori do know that horse camp sucked ass though

it was not fun

Lady: oh yeah?! I thought you loved it!

Mayor: i got thrown off and got my hand stepped on

Lady: oh yeah!

Mayor: that fucker broke my finger

Lady: i do remember that

Mayor: and i told them i didn't want to do the jumps anymore

9:16 AM and they told me i had to

so i climbed back on and cried the entire time that it rode around the ring jumping over stuff

pretty sure i did swim camp the year before actually

Lady: ok def didn't know that

9:17 AM so we all had a bad time?

Mayor: hahaha yeah i think so

Lady: we had to wear these swim cpas that smelled like fish, it was gross

Mayor: i mean, i wasn't traumatized or anything...because after we left the horses i got to play and eat lots of mashed potatoes and bug juice (aka kool aid)

yeah the caps were gross...different colors for different levels of ability...all staaaaaanky

Lady: i think I had fun some of the time

9:18 AM yeahhhh

I think I was in an advanced level of ability

having been on swim team
and like, actually good at swimming at that point Mayor: you would've had a red cap then, i believeLady: yeah!

I did have a red cap!

Mayor: hahaha

it's funny how different my experience was though

the year i did swim camp, mom and dad both drove me there and they were acting all weird

9:20 AM and i was pumped about camp...sitting in the middle seat of the van reading the brochure about what promised to be the best week of my life

(which probably took the entire 1.5 hour ride or whatever because i remain, to this day, the slowest em effing reader ever)

anyway there was a piece about "home-missing"

9:21 AM and i asked what that was, because the concept of missing home was apparently something I couldn't grasp

and mom explained that sometimes you miss your bed and your parents and the rest of your family and home-cooked meals (read: hamburger helper), and that that can make a kid sad

and i said, allegedly, "I don't get it. Why would I miss you?"

9:22 AM and i believe mom cried

9:24 AM Lady: hahahahahaha OUCH

9:25 AM It's so funny, they were always sad to see you go places but when it was time for me to go places they had already experienced the leaving-a-child-somewhere-overnight thing so they never acted weird

Mayor: hahaha

yeah b/c [our older brother] never did anything, so i was the test child

Lady: haha true!

Mayor: and they would be like "oh man, this is such a big deal!"

and i'd be like "guys, calm down, i'll see you later"

Lady: yeah I never got that haha
I mean, we were both pretty independent kids though, I wasn't really attached either
Mayor: i think basically after I traumatized them like that, they'd act cool b/c they thought that's what they were supposed to do

b/c the kids make the rules!

9:27 AM Lady: that's how you gotta parent!

like mom said I always ran away from her as soon as I got ot preschool

Mayor: hahahaha

Lady: like the "BYE SEE YOU LATER MOM NO I DON'T WANT A HUG BYE"

Mayor: i'm sure that made her feel rull good

9:28 AM Lady: well, i was 2 or 4 so I don't feel to guilty

3 or 4

Mayor: hahaha

2 or 4 was funnier

Lady: well fuck

9:29 AM

Mayor: i was always like "thank you very much for bringing me here, as i'm not yet old enough to drive. i appreciate that you want to hang out with me, but i'm previously committed to eating paste and building things with blocks, so i'll just catch up with you this afternoon, ok?"
Lady: hahahaha exactly!Mayor: and mom would be like "ok fiiiiiine."

Lady: I mean it's probably hard as a parent when your kid is independent but better for the kid really
Mayor: yeah and ultimately better for you...but probably not the easiest to accept at first Lady: I can't believe you didn't know the pee story
that's a classic moment9:30 AM Mayor: yeah i don't know how i missed that oneLady: you gotta remember the tears though

because that involved you haha

Mayor: haha i do

they pulled me out of some sort of awesome play time

9:31 AM and, as previously stated, i didn't get the home-missing thing

Lady: I'm not sure it was missing home so much as it was having a miserable time and not wanting to be there

Mayor: so i was like "em, get it together, this is awesoooooooooooooome! Mom and dad aren't here!!! Wheeeeeeeeee!"

yeah...i distinctly remember being told that you were homesick and needed family

and i was like...uh...guys...i'm 8

9:32 AM Lady: haha i think I was just like I WANT TO SEE MY SISTER

because everyone in my camp was older than me and they weren't that nice

esp my bunkmates, who were the meanest

9:33 AM I think I made friends with other people

but those bitches

Mayor: yeah that blows...i think i was the youngest too
because it was like you either had to be a certain age or have finished a certain grade

so i went to horse camp with other kids who were like 9, 10, and 11

and i was 8

and tiiiiny

9:34 AM Lady: yeah i think you had to have just finished first grade

Mayor: like we had to help each other up on to the horses and i was totally worthless because everyone had 40 lbs on me

Lady: hahahahaha

you're like " I don't have much to work with here!"

Mayor: yeah i was like...how about i stand here and pet this guy while you go get a stool or soemthing?
Lady: hahahahaha helpful9:35 AM so how do you feel about wTCHING THE STEELERS GAME SUNDSY

sorry caps lock


And then the conversation went in another direction, as you can see. But I swear, I'm not the monster I was made out to be. And really, compared to the behavior of some other mayors, like the Mayor of Detroit, the Mayor of Portland, the Mayor of Los Angeles, and my personal favorite, the Mayor of East Cleveland, I'd say this is small potatoes.

Camp Potomac Woods, We Hold You In Our Hearts

Mayor McShambles and I never went to summer camp for more than a week. I have gone to week-long sleep away camps twice in my life and I think The Mayor tops out around 5 (most of which were sport-related, but I'll leave the decision to discuss her former athletic glory up to her). Sometimes I think it would've been cool if I got to do all the fun things I saw on "Bug Juice" for an entire summer. However, it is probably a good thing we couldn't afford 3 months worth of campfires and bug bites considering what happened the first time they sent me away for only one week. What would have been the summer of 1994, I had my first camp experience: Girl Scout Camp. Now, I was a wee little dibblet, having just finished first grade, and I was very nervous. I was going to have to sleep in a cabin with canvas walls (!), pee in a latrine (!), and be away from my mommy and daddy. I am not sure at what age children are usually sent to this type of setting, but my parents were ones to enjoy a fucking break foster a sense of independence, so I was the youngest kid in my camp. To add insult to injury, they had put me in the swimming camp because the others for kids my age had to do with crafts and shit (Yeah, right! I was a tomboy! I had a bowlcut until 1999, motherfucker.). I liked swimming and all, but I was in camp with a bunch of 8-year-olds who couldn't swim, so that was awkward. Not to mention my two of my three bunkmates were these bitchy little 2nd graders who made fun of me for being younger than them and my wit was not up to par back then. Throw a couple two, three wolf spiders into the mix and you've got my week at Camp Potomac Woods. I would love to say that I was a total trooper through this experience, but that is pretty far from the truth. I remember 4 separate incidents occurring that were particularly traumatic. They are as follows, in order from "not so bad" to "you are a heinous human":

1) The Gnat.
So I'm just a 7-year-old trying to learn how to juggle on circus day. I'm not having a lot of success, but I AM having a wonderful time. Next thing I know I've got a god damn gnat in my ear. In my ear, buzzing around against my ear drum, making me cry. They had to take me to the nurse on a golf cart and it was a big to-do. Embarrassing, yet horrifying. I hate bugs, especially when LODGED in any part of my body.

2) The Unidentified Mammal in the Rafters.
This was probably the second night of camp. As I mentioned before, our cabins had canvas walls. They were basically raised platforms with a roof and support beams. Anyway, I was lying there in my sleeping bag on a plank of wood, trying to not be homesick for the sweet daybed trundle that me and The Mayor shared (yeah, we shared a room AND a trundle bed...awkward). Just as I am about to drift off to dreamland, I see something moving on the rafters above me. Directly above my bed was a support beam for the roof and SOMETHING with FUR and A TAIL was HANGING THE FUCK OUT up there. I was terrified. Like shit-the-bed, shaking with fear. After I stared at this fur ball for about half an hour while it shifted positions, I got my flashlight out and tried to see what it was. Alas, the angle was bad and I was too afraid to actually get out of my bed. I lay there for 4 hours, frozen, watching this animal have its nuh-night time 10 feet above my face. This incident would inevitably lead to the worst camp moment on this list.

3) Tears.
By the third day, I was Sally SadPants. My bunkmates kept making fun of me, I was in swimming camp, There was an animal in my bunk last night, wolf spiders are EVERYWHERE...it was bad. Luckily for me, Mayor McShambles was at camp too! She was in the horseback-riding camp, which sounded so cool. Unfortunately, since I was a baby, I wasn't allowed to be in horse camp (jelly to this day). The Mayor was loooooooving camp. Who wouldn't? You're 8 and you ride horses all day and you're at CAMP! I was unaware of how awesome her experience was because she had refused to speak to me the entire time (to her credit, we were on opposite sides of the camp and did not really run into each other or have very many opportunities to speak...but when she did see me she wanted no part of my 7-year-old life, which was rude). I finally broke down and cried to my counselors. I asked to see my sister and they had to pull her away from all the FUN she was having riding horses to deal with my trifling ass. Needless to say, she was less than comforting. Embarrassing. The only thing that came from this was everyone in my camp seeing me cry and my sister being pissed about missing her super sweet horse-related shit. *sigh*

4) The Puddle.
I think about this incident often. I have waves of guilt about it. It's not my finest moment. I am especially ashamed at the deception I was capable of as a 7year-old. Nevertheless, it happened.

So about the fourth night, I woke up really having to go to the bathroom. The aforementioned latrines (!) were a little away from our campsite, so protocol was to wake a bunkmate and walk there together. My third bunkmate, Kelly, was a perfectly nice girl especially compared to the other two. She was my sister's age though, so it was weird that she was in swimming camp with the younger kids. We were the oldest and youngest, respectively, similarly outcast. After lying in my bed, hoping this feeling would just go away, I realized that was going to be impossible. I was very afraid of the dark forest around us...but apparently also very afraid of waking a sleeping bunkmate. I got out of my bed and gently tried to wake Kelly up. Barely touching her shoulder as I only mildly audibly mouthed "Kellllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy." My pathetic attempt at rousing her was unsuccessful. This is when I panicked. What could I do?! I was still scared of everything about my bunk due to Incident #2! I can't wake up Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Bitch on the other side of the bunk. Should I go the the counselor cabin? That would involve going outside alone.....

At this point, I did the only thing I could think of in the middle of the tornado of anxiety I had created...and pissed where I stood. I stood next to Kelly's bed and PEED ON THE FLOOR. It happened almost involuntarily at first, but I kind of had to run with it. The damage being done, I changed my underwear and went back to sleep. I woke the next morning to my other bunkmates whispering "Oh my god, did Kelly pee on the floor?" "Why would she do that?! That's so gross!" "Why didn't she wake anyone up?!"

Without missing a beat I whispered "Oh she did?!?!?! that's so gross!!!"

Kelly awoke to awkward accusations of having pissed on the floor during the night, something she couldn't recall. Someone had to get the counselors to clean it up, all of whom were understandably confused at the thought of a 9-year-old peeing on the floor. And there was Kelly, looking embarrassed and confused as to how she sleep-peed next to her bed, totally believing she was the cause of this.

I let her take the blame. How could I admit that I had, not only, pissed myself, but did it next to someone else's bed?!

She became the 9-year-old who peed on the floor at camp.

All I can say is, I'm sorry Kelly. I'm sorry I let you become That Girl. I hope you can understand, now that you're an adult, that this was an act of self-preservation. I was 7. Please forgive me.

That being said, I can't take it back sooooooooooooooo, thanks for the funny story Kells Bells!



-Lady of Leisure

PS I have since gained control of my bladder during the night.